What if you give the dummy back?
It does not undo everything, and it does not make you a failure. What it does teach is that enough crying reverses the story, which makes the next attempt harder rather than easier. So do not half-restart. Stop properly, let four to six weeks pass, and then begin again from the beginning - new box, new night, new letter - rather than trying to pick up where you left off.
Nobody writes this page in advance, which is why I have. Read it before you need it, and then it will be here at half past two when you do.
It’s cloudy and there’s no star
This one catches almost everybody, usually on the third night, and it is the reason the whole method has a weak point in Britain in November.
Do not say “it’s behind the clouds” and leave it there - to a three-year-old that is indistinguishable from “it’s gone”. Say instead that stars are always on, the way a light in another room is always on even when the door is shut, and that clouds are just the door. Then put your hand flat on the window and let them do the same, and say it is still there under your hand.
It works because it gives them something physical to do on a night when the usual thing to look at is unavailable. Decide this one in advance - it is not a sentence anybody improvises well.
Night three is worse than night one
That is the normal shape, not a warning sign. Night one runs on novelty; by night three the novelty is spent and they are checking whether this is permanent. Hold the same line for two more nights before you conclude anything.
If you are mid-way through and you are not sure you can hold it: the four sentences that do the work are on the do’s and don’ts. Go and read them now rather than at 2am.
The common ones
They found one
Down the side of the sofa, in a coat, at grandma’s. Don’t snatch it. Be delighted: one got left behind, and I’ll want it. Put it in a new little box that night and it goes with the rest. A missed one turns into a second small ceremony rather than a crack in the story.
They’re ill
If they are genuinely unwell in the first few nights, stop. This is not a test of character and nothing is lost by waiting a fortnight. If illness arrives at week three, hold the line - going back at that point is a much bigger step backwards than a rough couple of nights.
It was fine, now it isn’t
A good fortnight and then sudden protest usually means something else changed - a new bed, a new sibling, a new room at nursery. Treat the new thing as the problem, not the dummy, and keep looking at the star.
Somebody gave one back
A grandparent, a nursery, a kind stranger with a spare. Nobody is in trouble. Do the same as for a found one: it goes in a box that night, with a bit of ceremony, and the story carries on unbroken.
“You took them, not a fairy”
Usually four and over. Don’t double down. “You gave them away, and that was the real bit” is true, keeps their achievement intact, and lets them hold both ideas at once, which children of that age do rather well.
Sleep got worse overall
Past about two weeks with no sign of settling, the dummy probably was not the main thing keeping them asleep. That is a sleep question rather than a dummy question, and it is worth a conversation with your health visitor.
If you’ve already caved
First: this is extremely common and it is not a character flaw. You were awake, they were distraught, and you made the call that got everyone through the night.
- Stop cleanly. Half-in is worse than either. Give it back properly, say nothing dramatic, and let the subject drop.
- Wait four to six weeks. Long enough that the last attempt is not the immediate reference point.
- Start from the beginning. A new box, decorated again, a new night they choose, a new letter. Not a continuation - a fresh one.
- Change one thing. A different week, a different person doing bedtime, the star picked before you start. It gives everybody a reason to expect a different result.
One honest note, because I would rather you heard it from me than found it out at week two.
This does not suit every child. If yours is under about twenty months, or is going through something big, or has tried and struggled twice, a slower method is not a defeat - it is the right tool. Cutting down to bedtime only, then to the cot only, then to nothing, is unglamorous and works. Nothing on this site is worth making a hard month harder.
And anything that feels medical rather than behavioural - breathing, ears, teeth, sleep that worries you - belongs with your GP, dentist or health visitor, who can look at your actual child.
